Through the blending of voices of children and adults discussing their households, a portrait of the modern American family emerges.

The Preacher's Kid

Chris Haney, 17, lives in Charlotte, North Carolina. His father, Doug, is a Music Minister at a Baptist church and his mother, Laurie, helps administer a day care service. He lives with both parents, who are in their 40s, and a 14-year-old sister.

"Compared to how many people I know who do have divorced families, I think it is odd that my parents rarely even fight. I'm lucky; my parents are just about perfect and they are very, very happy. I see them joking around with each other, laughing more than fighting. I don't think about it often, but every now and then I think, I want something like what I'm living now, later," he says, contemplating his future.

Preachers' kids have a reputation for being a bit wild, but Chris says he doesn't need to act out too much. "I'm the only boy wearing earrings in the church and I'm the only kid who talks about getting a tattoo, but I'm not a bad kid at all. I kind of like that someone might look at me and think, `oh, my,' but people who talk to me see that I'm just as nice as the next guy."

Chris adds that "without a doubt" religion is important to him because of his parents. "It is how I was brought up." As for his Dad, Chris says, "I've just started to realize that he's really good at what he does and I kinda respect it. Me and my dad are really chill [terrific] together."

When All You Have Is You

A typical day for John McCaslin, 43, a single, divorced father of a 12-year-old daughter, Kerry, in northern Virginia, is jam-packed with activities.

McCaslin and Kerry get up early and eat breakfast before he drops her off at school. He then drives over the Potomac River to Capitol Hill or the White House to get fodder for his newspaper column in The Washington Times. He returns to Virginia to pick her up from school.

"In seven years I have never not picked her up at 3 p.m. every day. I'm lucky. How many parents can say that?"

His daughter has lacrosse, karate, soccer or basketball on her schedule. "There is always something going on two or three days a week, after school, and two or three hours of homework," McCaslin says.

He does much of the cooking. A couple of times a week, they go out for dinner. But he doesn't see himself as both mother and father. "I don't think anyone can ever substitute" for a mother, he agrees. "But mothers and fathers need to realize the functions I'm performing are a parent's function, not a mother's or father's -- especially in this day and age."

Still, McCaslin says he has felt the stigma of raising a daughter by himself.

"A lot of the mothers at the school think it's weird that I haven't settled back down [again]. But I don't think I'm ready," he explains.

The rewards of a flexible schedule are obvious, he continues.

"The opportunity to be there for a child is one, but also to have the opportunity to be there more than any other father -- and the love you get in return. It is amazing. The downside is that we're not a whole family. I'm definitely a proponent of the typical functional family. The old-fashioned unit I believe in seems bizarre in my situation. That's the downside -- not so much for me, but for her." Still, he says, everywhere he goes, he gets accolades from people who have talked with her. "`What a tremendously well-rounded individual,' they say." Even his ex-wife's parents marvel at how well everything has turned out.

Still, he isn't patting himself on the back.

"I've been lucky. I realize how hard it is, for any child to go through this. But I've been blessed. We have a very open channel of communication and I'm very receptive."

Stepping Up

Living in Dallas, Texas, Jean-Ann Cooper, 46, is a stepmother.

Her first challenge in that role, she recalls, was to overcome fear, "to-the-bone kind of fear. Even though their mom had remarried, the kids didn't want their dad to get married again."

Although Jean-Ann is now married to Bob Cooper, 50, who has three children ranging in age from 19 to 24, she grew up in a traditional family with two brothers and parents who, as of now, have been married for 56 years.

Cooper says she was scared Bob's kids wouldn't like her.

"I mean, it was three against one! What are the odds? I was also scared that Bob wouldn't like the kind of stepmother I might be. The biggest challenge I have is to parent without parenting. In a step-parenting situation, there must never be a doubt that blood is thicker than water. Even when my husband is angry with his kids and intends to discipline them, I've learned the hard way that I should never agree with him out loud. It's better to just listen and support his decisions on the best way to handle the situation.

"My experience has taught me that it's difficult for a parent to understand why the stepparent doesn't love the kids as much as the parent does. It's not that I don't love my stepkids. I'm crazy about them, and don't know how I could love them more than I do. It's just that there's no substitute for "birthing" those babies yourself. No matter how much time I spend with them, or how often I tell them I love them, I know Bob wishes I would love them more. The bottom line is that I don't believe I'll ever have the capacity to love them nearly as much as he does."

But Cooper loves her family life.

"The day-to-day experiences of being a step-parent has enriched my life beyond my wildest dreams. I've loved taking an active part in their lives. I've loved watching their tennis matches, driving them to school, baking their birthday cakes -- even taking them to traffic court! And while they're away at school, I love when their friends stop by just to see Bob and me. It's a little slice of heaven, knowing that the kids' friends are our friends too -- confirmation that we must have done something right.

"Maybe it's because we are a stepfamily that a large percentage of our close friends are in stepfamiies. There's no doubt that being in a stepfamily presents challenges for each and every member, but at least I have a lot of close friends who are step-moms to talk to when I hit the wall!"

With Each Other

Elin Ross and Michael Olson of Frederick, Maryland, have been married 10 years, since she was 21 and he was 23. They have chosen not to have children. Ross says their lifestyle allows them to pay off college loans, volunteer more often and travel.

Ross recalls hearing a radio program recently on childless couples. "Unfortunately, most of them sounded like militant child-haters, which bothered me because I think most people who don't have kids are not like that. I think they just made a conscious choice to focus on other things in their lives. Parenting is a big responsibility, and holds a lot of power. I'm not sure I'm comfortable having that kind of control."

Nuclear and Challenged

Terry Whitney, 38, a pre-loader for the United Parcel Service in Denver, Colorado, sums up a common dilemma for the nuclear family.

"Our greatest challenge is finding enough time to share with each other as a family, given the competition of work, community and volunteer activities. It is also a challenge to be a parent in today's world, given the cost of food, day care, energy and clothes."

Living With Autism

Rachel Brenner, 11, and her brother Dov, seven, explain what it is like to live with their older brother, Michael, 12, who is autistic. [Autism is a mental disorder that inhibits the ability to interact; yet in many instances, persons who are autistic have special gifts or abilities.]

"Sometimes it is hard when he is in his autistic mode and tunes you out," Rachel says. "But he has these talents that amuse everybody, so living with him is kind of weird, but it is fun, too."

When Rachel's friends come to the family's house in upstate New York, Michael will show off. "He'll sit at the piano and start playing without reading music or anything," she says.

The children play video games together and go to movies or bowling together. But Dov points out that watching television with his brother can be frustrating.

"Sometimes he changes the channels while people are watching. I tell him to turn it back, but he won't listen. Sometimes if I'm sleeping with him and he's talking, I'll tell him to stop -- but he doesn't."

Dov's mother, Stephanie Brenner, understands his frustrations. If Dov leaves the computer for a minute, Michael may come over and call up a different program, "which really frustrates Dov a lot." These are the things that make it difficult for a family living with autism, she adds.

And yet, the children still exhibit a healthy dose of sibling rivalry, and find themselves in tiffs typical in "normal" families. Dov sounds typical when he says he doesn't get along with his sister, noting that "I sort of get along with Michael." And Rachel admits that sometimes she craves the attention her brothers get.

"I've been good in school," she explains. "My parents never needed to help me. When Dov was starting school, they had to help him. Michael needs help every day with his homework. If I need help, I have to wait."

She also points out that sometimes, the family can't go places or do things because of Michael. "It does draw attention away from me," she says, "but I don't care. I'm able to deal with it. And I'd give Michael all my attention, because he is a great guy."

All You Need Is Love

Monroe, North Carolina, is home to real estate agent James Kerr, 34, his wife Dana, 33, and their three-year-old son McCain. "We rarely watch television unless it's a news program," Dana, a stay-at-home mom says.

"We do a lot of reading -- especially James," she notes. "We both read to McCain. We would choose art over sports any day, and it is a rare occasion when we do not dine together."

Dana believes that the love she and James share has helped their son grow.

"I believe our relationship is healthier and stronger than almost any. We are truthful with each other, plan time alone together and enjoy laughing together. We pride ourselves on not having a typical marriage. I feel that our child will be strong. Our marriage is strong. We have shared our love with each other and with our son. That is the most anyone can hope."

The Nuclear Unit

Nicholas Fitz, 11, is in the sixth grade at John Eaton School in the Cleveland Park section of Washington, D.C. He says living in the city is great, that it gives families a lot of fun things to do together. Although only Nick lives with his mother and father, he has a 31-year-old half-brother who lives in California, and a 27-year-old sister in Chicago -- both from his father's previous marriage. Many of his friends have half-siblings as well. As a result, he sees his family as average within his peer group.

He is quite caught up with his parents.

"I can do a lot of things with my dad, like kayaking and going on trips," Nick says. "He's really understanding. He can talk to me and everything. My mom knows exactly how I feel, and what I want. She's always there for me, helping me a lot."

Over-Scheduled Kids

Just listening to Stacey Rose-Blass, 40, describing her day can wear a person out.

She and her husband Jay, 42, divide their free time shuttling their two daughters, 10 and seven, to dance classes, soccer, basketball, writing club, school chorus and Hebrew lessons. Blass says she wonders if they are hyper-parenting or getting their children over-involved in activities. In fact, at one point, Blass and her husband sought marriage counseling until they realized they were going just to spend some time alone together.

Blass' husband is a construction project manager in Maryland, and leaves for work at 5:30 a.m. Stacey gets the girls ready for school before heading, at eight, to her U.S. government agency, where she works as a regional program manager.

"I usually spend about 45 minutes in the car," she says about the commute, "which I've come to cherish because it is the only free time I have." The girls go to day care when school ends at two in the afternoon. Their father picks them up on his way home from work. Then the activities begin, and the two parents split up transporting the girls, and arranging dinner as well.

"Dinner is usually my husband's responsibility," Stacey says. "I'm really lucky that way, because most of my women friends are still responsible for doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry."

Even though the girls have something to do every night and most weekends, Blass and her husband don't let anything interfere with religious instruction in Judaism. "It is so important," Stacey maintains. "We aren't super-religious, but we want our children to grow up with the same religious practices we have -- and to have a solid framework within which to do that."

Single-Handed Accomplishments

Kathleen Boyle is a U.S. foreign service officer, and a single mother to two Bolivian girls, ages eight and seven.

"In the foreign service community, almost everyone I know has at least one adopted child," she says. It is a unique lifestyle that allows the children to learn much more about the world around them. Boyle took the girls to Laos with her on an assignment. Now they are back in the United States awaiting her next task.

"They are more aware of the world than the rest of the kids in their Brownie [girls' scouting] troop," Boyle notes.

Kit Boyle is the first member of her Irish-American family to adopt children from a different ethnic group, but the girls have been well accepted by her extended family.

"What has been really interesting," she discloses, "is the `nature versus nurture' aspect. In many ways, they [the girls] are so much like me. Our interests are the same -- camping, swimming -- things I enjoy doing. My siblings don't, but my kids do! And my Inca daughter has Inca genes -- she can build anything!"

Life In Two Different Worlds

"I'm a Jew from New York, married to a Chinese-Malaysian who was educated in England," says Nadine Leavitt Siak, 35, an editor for an international publication.

"We still have a house and two cars, and we live in suburbia with a dog. I don't see us as being unusual. The details may be unusual, but the overall picture is typically American," she notes.

To emphasize the point, she adds, "we watch TV and we don't play bizarre sports. My husband is a coffee addict and I like tea. The only thing that may be unusual is our concentration on food -- which seems to be very Chinese and very Jewish. Meals have a greater significance in our family than in the average American family."

Living in a mixed marriage hasn't affected their relationship, she continues. "When we disagree, I tend to think of it as a male-female dichotomy more than Chinese-Christian, Jewish-American. I think it is greatly beneficial to get his perspective -- his male, Chinese perspective -- on all matters small and large, from the presidential election to how to load the dishwasher."

Nadine submits that trying to capture the essence of the American family is like trying to answer the question, "what is the weather like in China?" The answer? "Well, it's a big place." Then what is the American family like? "Like the weather in China, it is anything and everything," she observes.

----------

Tiffany Danitz is a staff writer with the "stateline.org", an on-line news service that covers politics and issues in the 50 U.S. states.

Back to top | Contents, U.S. Society & Values, January 2001 | IIP E-Journals | IIP Home